Bring me home to you
by I luv Milarion 1201
Summary: Every cup of tea twisted her heart with the knowledge that Chakotay isn't here to share it with her, she can never offer him his favourite beverage or listen to him tease that she is drinking tea now .


Admiral Kathryn Janeway stares out of the window, with a steaming mug in her hands. It is still difficult to comprehend the fact that she is staring out at the city of san Francisco opposed to seeing delta quadrant stars and warp trails from her ready room viewport.

But the smell of tea brings her back, painfully so. If she was in voyager, it would be coffee, always black and bitter, ever since that painful incident, now so long ago, a half century ago. Smell of coffee is no longer part of her daily life anymore. She couldn't stomach it after seeing Chakotay's ashen face in a sterile room in Starfleet medical a decade ago. When she stood on the grassy mound where his earthly remains laid to rest, she knew she was gone too. She had meant it all those years ago when she said she didn't know how to imagine a day without him. Kathryn Janeway died alongside her best friend and as she admitted after decade long struggle, love of her life.

It is too cliched to say that now, after all, he was married to her former protégé, Seven. But after their marriage Kathryn realized what she lost and the fact that Seven's death destroyed Chakotay and in return, it destroyed her in many ways than it did him. He lost his wife, but Kathryn lost her dear student, friend and Chakotay all in one that day. His loss devastated her in return too. For the following thirteen years, their relationship dwindled to almost nothing. They were still the exemplary command team and tried their best to uphold the façade that they were friends, but the truth was, they were burdened with so much guilt and regret, they couldn't face each other anymore.

But he was there for her, still trying to uphold his promise from a long-abandoned dream. In fact, it is because of her that he met his untimely demise. They were on an away mission, in their final year in Delta quadrant, as she knew now, and when disaster fell upon them, Chakotay had pushed her away from the danger, which she cannot recall with much clarity now. His mangled and bloodied body was beamed up to the sickbay, and doctor healed him but not without a price to pay. His cure came with the inevitability of death, for an unknown chemical in the planet had reactivated the 'New earth' virus that lay dormant in his body but with an extremely slow rate. He'd die, but it will be a slow death. Injuries he received by Shielding her from the falling debris that contained the chemical had exposed him too much. Doctor valiantly fought with the new challenge, trying day and night to find a cure, all without hope.

And Chakotay, her dear sweet Chakotay, he shook his head and accepted it with grace. And she was so angry. Many years after laying dormant deep within her, emotions bubbled to surface in a rapid rate when she cried and accused him for giving up the fight. Irony of the situation wasn't lost on her that somehow their 'exile' together had to play a part in his downfall now. And he only smiled, a sad one with much deepened laughing lines, and told her that he always tried to make out the best in things and it is her who should respect his decision now. That night, she wept in his arms, for all that she gave up and all that she is going to lose. And without Tuvok's logical input on the matter, Chakotay knew it is going to be hard on Kathryn to continue their journey.

Chakotay's health kept deteriorating, and in final months of their journey, Harry Kim stepped into the boots Vacated by her first officer. And when they reached earth, finally both Chakotay and Tuvok were admitted to Starfleet medical. Even if she had a fleeting hope there would be a cure, it was too late for it. Any medication would only prolong his agony. She keeps vigil at his bedside and one evening he calls her to come closer. He asks if she could pass his mug and Kathryn helps him to drink. He asked her to promise to live her life, even if he won't be a part of it anymore. He is out of breath, but he speaks of his faith that he always knew that she'd always bring them home. "home is wherever you happen to be, Kathryn" he says in a tone that she couldn't even misunderstand even if she wants to.

He asks for a single kiss, to remember the good times by, to remember her and she cannot deny it, even if her heart is going to shatter into million tiny pieces. The kiss is not as she imagined of what their first kiss may be. It is not forged in fire of passion, not even of tender love or commitment, it speaks of pain and a lifelong regrets and misunderstandings, yet the gratitude and familiarity of a life spent together, for it is their last kiss as well. And it was laced with the taste of coffee, an acquired taste as he used to joke, and Kathryn cannot even withstand the smell of coffee without heaving for months after his loss.

She takes the mug back to her apartment, a silly notion anyone would say. But it was his, and it is enough reason for her to do it. She drinks tea now, his herbal tea, from his mug. And for a fleeting moment she could pretend that he is here with a smug, dimpled smile, teasing about her new choice of beverage.

And the spicy sent of herbal tea gives her a painful nudge in her heart every time she replicates it, just as jabbing a finger into a healing wound. It is a reminder of her inability to bring them all home, bring him home. And smell of coffee wafting in the morning breeze in Starfleet HQ is much of a painful reminder of all her crewmembers who didn't made it. The lives she didn't manage to save. She slips into a lifelong reality of blaring red alert klaxons and enemy fire with long gone faces of her crewmen and that is more than enough reason to stay away from coffee.

And she decided to do this, for all of them but as much as for her too. She visits Tuvok, her old friend, lost in his own mind and the sight of him does nothing to alleviate her pain but it does fortify the determination to successfully complete her mission. And Miral, oh dear little ball of fire who grew up in Voyager is nothing but helpful. She is as much of Chakotay's as she is Tom's and B'Elanna's. Her eager enthusiastic face and the youthfulness and energy propels Kathryn forward, to give her a life where she won't be forced to live without her dear uncle Chakotay.

And as she wipes the dry leaves out of the cool stone marker of his grave, she somehow knows he is still here. Watching over her, his presence is much potent and profound in this place. She speaks to him while she places her palm on stone as if it is his chest, of doubts and loopholes but she reassures him and in turn, herself that she is doing the right thing.

She needs to bring all of them truly home, for she too longs to come home, instead of living in a nightmare of losses and regrets in a faraway place.


End file.
